As we know, I'm not afraid to tell the stories of my life. One thing though that I don't really mention is my ongoing battle with what I look like, verses what other people in my life think I should look like.
When I was in college I was a cheerleader at an SEC school. I cheered there my freshman year and then when try outs came for the next year we had a new coach who thought I was just too fat (at 115 pounds). He gave me zero's all the way down for being fat and I left that school and tried out somewhere else. I made the top score that year of the entire try outs at that college. As the years went, I heard about my weight and when I hit the big 121 pounds, I got benched and nearly kicked off-losing my scholarship for my horrendous weight. Looking back at photo's I looked freaking amazing. But back then, I would look at myself in disgust.
College came and went and I became an aerobics instructor and then director. I worked with an amazing person who never once talked about my body, my weight or anything else that would make me feel bad. I studied martial arts, and taught classes exercising a good 15-30 hours a week and keeping my weight around 118-123 depending on if I was taking my diet pills or not.
Then life changed for me and I began dealing with pretty severe anxiety. I got off the diet pills and stopped teaching classes. my weight didn't really change for several more years.
I am now in my mid thirties and I weigh quite a bit more than those old numbers, and people have certainly let me know it. I had a friend say to me "Emily, you would be so hot if you just lost 20 pounds." I never understood why people would ever feel so comfortable talking to me about my weight when I would never say anything of the sort to anyone EVER!
Now 5 years after the publishing of my original Stretch Therapy book where I stressed about what I looked like in the book, it gets picked up by a publisher and it is set to go national in January 2012. The catch is, I have to re-take all photos from the books so that all shots have the same background(there were two books now they are being combined and added to).
Well, I certainly don't look like a cheerleader, aerobics instructor or even the girl who would be so hot if I dropped 20 and I find myself having to put friends in the book instead of me because I just don't look the part and wouldn't feel comfortable starring in this book. I am in the book so don't get me wrong-I have not gained so much weight that I am looking at a health issue or things of that nature. I am in the book still, but as a supporting role only.
It is so sad to me that somehow all of us at some time or another feels this way. The truth is, I don't have a pixie body and yes, I do miss having a body that was under 120 pounds. But even then, I was not confident. Now, I love myself more than I ever have in my entire life, and I am so proud of the woman that I am that I don't want my existence to be about my body and how much I weigh. Who the hell are these people anyway to ever speak to me like that? I would not ever do something like that to anybody!
I am reminded of all of these old wounds after watching a reality show-Kloe and Lamar where kloe Kardashian takes flack from not only her mother for gaining weight and ruining the Quick Trim logo, but from all sides. She's battling the confidence of loving who she is and where she is in her life-and quite frankly looking fabulous anyway-verses what other people have decided she needs to look like and weigh. It's bull shit and I'm sick of it. I can totally relate and in watching tonight, it brought up all these old memories and anger because I've worked so hard to become something and someone that I can be proud of. It amazes me that words out of someone else's mouth that are completely superficial in nature anyway could have such an effect on all of us women!
No matter what woman you are, or how great you look...there is still someone out there telling you that it's not enough! And what's worse? We listen to it!
Truly, it is that time when we all pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off and realize that 5 more years from now and we will wish to God we looked like we do right now! It is the story of life! I wish in college when all those people were harping on my weight I would have realized that I was smokin' hot! My body was off the hook! We are fighting about weight in a 115-121 pound person??? Are you freaking kidding me?
I would kill to be 115-121 pounds now! But, I am not willing to do the crap that would be necessary for me to get it! I still exercise and I eat decent. I am not a vegan and I am not a triathlete. I am a normal, somewhat healthy, extremely happy woman and I'm disgusted that we have all fallen prey to this for so long.
I pray for all of us woman out there that we realize that right now, in this exact moment we are absolutely beautiful and perfect just as we are.
And to the rest of you...don't be the person that anyone looks back and remembers for saying something so hurtful. Be the person that someone looks back on and is reminded of something loving and wonderful that made their day, or even their life better for having said it.
From last few days I am so tired of the way that women get reprimanded for not looking like a pixie celebrity. I worked with an amazing person who never once talked about my body, my weight or anything else that would make me feel bad.
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